I used to find myself constantly caught in a cycle of suffering, trapped by thoughts that begin with “I should” or “they should.” I realized that these beliefs were the source of my struggles and inner turmoil. The discomfort wasn’t caused by a person, situation, or thing itself, but by my resistance to what is, aka reality.
The fact is, no amount of wishing or “should-ing” can shift or change reality. Instead, this mental clinging only served to keep me stuck in a cycle of self-indulgent victimhood. By learning to question my beliefs, I was able to release the pressure, create space in my mind, gently lift my mind out of suffering, and regain my inner sovereignty.
A powerful question I learned to ask myself is from the work of Byron Katie: “Can I absolutely know that anything is true?” The answer I’ve found is always a resounding “No.” This simple realization created a profound shift for me, helping me to change my beliefs and, in turn, remove the suffering.
Byron Katie: I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always. And I invite you not to believe me.
I invite you to test it for yourself. – Byron Katie
3 Shifts I Made In My Own Practice for Reducing Mental Clinging
- I Question My Beliefs to Find Freedom. I pay close attention to any thought that disrupts my inner peace. Is it a belief that starts with “I should” or “they should”? A simple yet powerful way to release the grip of these thoughts is to ask myself, “Can I absolutely know that this is true?” The answer is almost always no, which immediately creates a sense of space and relief. I use this filter to dismantle beliefs that are causing me pain. Yes! There is a questioning framework for this, and I highly recommend Byron Katie’s work.
- I Stop Resisting “What Is.” I’ve learned that suffering isn’t caused by the reality of a situation, but by my resistance to it or my wanting it (reality) to be different. When I wish things were different or believe they shouldn’t be the way they are, I’m fighting a losing battle with reality. The next time I feel pain or frustration, I ask myself if I’m resisting “what is.” Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like the situation, but it does mean I stop fighting it, which is the first step toward finding peace.
- I change the Belief, not Reality. I know now that I can’t change reality by wishing or “should-ing” it to be different—as Byron Katie would define, that’s pure insanity. However, I can change my suffering by changing my belief about it. Instead of clinging to a “should,” I try to find a new perspective. For example, instead of thinking, “He shouldn’t have been late,” I try: “He was late, and I can choose how to respond.” By shifting my belief, I remove the suffering and regain my power.
Self-Coach Elevate Question of the Day:
What is one area in your life where you can practice one of the ideas above? Of the 3, choose one that you resist the most.
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Until next time.
Bianca is an accomplished creative professional and the director and founder of STEBIAN.com, specializing in video presentation coaching, video production, and on-camera direction for business owners and thought-leaders worldwide. With extensive experience across television, film, voiceover, modeling, and corporate media. Bianca has booked lead and support roles in TV commercials, short films, television soaps, music videos, and corporate productions, working with award-winning directors and major brands. Bianca is also a seasoned voice artist, having led radio commercials, and a published fitness and lifestyle model featured on magazine covers, billboards, and national campaigns. She has represented fashion houses on the runway and in print, and is a passionate advocate for health, fitness, and social causes supporting women and youth at risk. She is exclusively represented by RBA Management.
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